Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired of your marriage relationship?
“Since men learned to shoot without missing, I learned to fly without perching”
- One bird declared (a Nigerian proverb)
The title of this article is actually misleading. Your answer may be the opposite of what you mean. A “yes’ may be a good answer. If I asked, “are you sick and tired of your marriage?” If you said “yes” I would sympathize with you because that’s not a good answer :-(. However for the question above if you said “yes” it means you want to do something about it :-). It now depends on whether what you want to do is positive or negative. If you want to seek assistance, then it’s a good thing :-). However, if you want to hit someone – it is NOT a good thing :-(. So if at all you are sick and tired of being sick and tired of your marriage relationship, here are some thoughts that may help your marriage relationship.
First look at the options before you:
- Separation or divorce
- Marrying someone else (usually depends on 1)
- Ignoring what’s happening and live together in the same house ignoring each other and communicating through third parties e.g. children
- Seeking a solution e.g. through counseling
The options above are heavily influenced by circumstances of your marriage relationship.
Is there someone else involved? “Grass often looks greener on the other side – till you get there”. I was told long ago that “common things happen commonly”. During a dry spell you may not notice that a river exists in some place as you look at the river bed. However, after heavy rains, the river will very often take the same course it took before. So what guarantees that if you start off with someone else it will work out well? You are still the same you and if you plan to change why don’t you change with your current spouse? I’m sorry :-(, I may not be in your shoes but I’m just trying to help – one day if it works out you may remember this :-).
Assuming that you are not the “problem” what guarantees that the new partner will behave better than the previous one? There are no perfect partners but you can help yours to be almost “perfect” for you through “give and take” – compromise here and there – and meeting halfway. However let it always be a win-win arrangement, never win-lose (lose-win), nor lose-lose. A marriage relationship is like a plant – it requires watering and nurturing to flourish.
Ignoring what’s happening around you would be a blunder. Things would only get worse in your marriage– so avoid this option.
Your choice will also depend on other ‘stake-holders’. Your children may not have featured anywhere on your marriage license but they would be affected by your decision. In this case how much do you care for your children’s feelings (if you have any)? A long the way they were probably telling both of you (or hinting) on what was wrong between the two of you-but you probably ignored and said “after all they are only kids”. Try to recollect and if there is a defective trait they mentioned in you, you may still be able to do something about your marriage relationship. Probably that is what your spouse had a problem with and you could “swallow” your pride and tell your spouse you will try to change. Ask them for patience. Very often “solutions often start with us”. All the best.
What was your contribution to the problems? All problems always have a root cause. Are you the root cause? Was there something you could have done to save the situation? Who wants out – is it you or your partner or both of you?
There was a couple who communicated through slips of paper. The husband would write something for the wife and vice versa. One morning, after leaving his separate bedroom, the husband left a check for the electricity bill with a note in the sitting room for the wife to pay and left on a short trip. The wife passed through the dining room (actually kitchen) and left a note that she was going to California for two weeks.
When they both returned, they found the house in total darkness. Their silence policy was broken. The husband asked the wife why she hadn’t paid the bill. The wife responded “ But I told you I was going away for two weeks - I left a note for you in the kitchen, and by the way I didn’t pass through the sitting room”.