Marriage Relationship – The Power of Agreement in a Marriage
“Two cannot walk together unless they are in agreement”,
A quote from a famous book
How often do you agree on something with your spouse? If you were to tabulate or graph this over time would you say that you tend to agree more now than you did in the past or is it the other way around? If and when you disagree on something, how do you resolve the disagreement? Did you know that when your spouse disagrees with you it does not necessarily mean that he (she) does not like you?
- Courtesy Wikipedia
The first thing to do in order to start improving your marriage relationship is to begin acknowledging what your spouse says – whether you agree with it or not. Be attentive and acknowledge what they say. Acknowledgement is not agreement. When your spouse says something you agree with, nod and say something like “yes, that’s true”. When your spouse says something you disagree with you can acknowledge and then say something like “That’s interesting (honey), I didn’t think you saw it that way. My perspective is however somehow different Have you thought what would happen if blah blah etc.. “. That way you may even change your spouse’s point of view!. A famous book says “two can not walk together unless they are in agreement”. Marriage relationships are no different.
When your spouse says something you disagree with, you may seek clarification. He or she may think about it and restate their position in a slightly different way which may be more acceptable to you. They may even tell you “on second thoughts, I think this other way would be better”. However if you instead cut them short and oppose their opinion, they are most likely going to defend that opinion whether it makes sense or not because you have attacked their ego. When people are hurt (when their ego is attacked), they can make ludicrous claims; they can say things that do not make sense at all and they may even resort to verbal abuse or physical abuse. Therefore discuss issues and not the other personality. Emphasize facts and not opinions. If you have to express an opinion, express it in a way that allows your spouse to express a different opinion if they have one. For example start by saying “in my opinion” or “I tend to think that”.
As I said earlier, in marriage, if you agree with your spouse then nod as your spouse is talking. Your expression is often more important than what you say. Psychologists tell us of three things that are involved in our communication viz. our words, the tone of our voice and our physical gestures (physical expressions). The last two convey the bulk of the communication. I have a habit of looking at the expressions on people’s faces during business meetings. It is easy for me to determine who gets along with whom by the way people look at others and their behavior. If someone thinks you do not make sense, they may express it unknowingly by distorting their faces or by dozing off or by shaking their heads, etc. If they really agree with you, they may light up and be very attentive. Sometimes you may come up with a brilliant idea and the whole group may ask you to restate what you just said verbatim for recording – that shows interest. Similarly if your spouse asks you to restate what you said, do not ask them whether they are deaf or why they were not attentive. Sometimes it may be because you said something beautiful or clever 
.
Amplify your agreements and minimize your disagreements and you will improve your marriage relationship. If your spouse believes you respect their opinion, they are more likely to respect yours and you will be more objective in your communication and your marriage relationship will improve considerably.
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All the Best,
Paul (Shalom)
