Image via Wikipedia

“A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”
Walter Winchell

Are there factors that can be put in an equation to predict at which point a marriage will fail? Someone has tried to create a calculator to determine the probability of a marriage failure in the next five years based on when one got married, how old they were, how many years they have been married, their level of education, when they were born, and their gender. You can click here to use the marriage calculator.

I believe there are so many factors involved in marriage relationships that it would not be possible to put them in an equation to determine precisely how long a marriage will last. The factors used above have very little correlation to divorce rates in my opinion.

It is possible to use statistics to determine outcomes in a different way. It is also important to start off with more relevant factors. Somehow there are principles that have been put in nature which are fairly accurate in determining outcomes. One of these is based on the laws of probability and statistics.

Let us start with a simple example. If you toss a coin, the probability of it landing with the heads facing up is a half and so is the probability of tails facing up. If you add the probabilities of all possible outcomes you should always get one (or one hundred percent). Probabilities are usually expressed in fractions or decimals. Supposing you tossed a coin four times, how sure would you be to get 2 heads and 2 tails? Well I would not bet on it. You may get all heads, all tails or a mixture but not quite the expected ideal outcome all the time.

What happens if you toss the coin a thousand times for example? The expected outcome will be 1000 multiplied by the probability (1/2) i.e. 500. You will find that you will be very close e.g. between 450 to 550 heads. Working backwards this gives a probability between 0.45 and 0.55. As you increase the number of repetitions this probability will tend to 0.5 e.g. if you toss the coin a million times?.

You may ask what I am driving at. Most of the factors that cause marriage failure are known. These include violence, infidelity or cheating etc. Therefore instead of trying to use complex equations based on how long people have been married and when they were born there is a simpler way. This is more or less a “rule of thumb”.

If you charted the divorce reasons of a hundred divorced people you would be able to get percentages for the various prevalent factors causing divorce. If this were to be extended to a thousand or a million people, the results would be more accurate.
How can you interpret the results? If 50% of the divorces were caused by violence, then it is possible to say it is very likely that if a marriage is characterized by violence then it will end up in divorce. It is more accurate to say that if a marriage ends up in divorce, there is a 50% chance that the cause will be violence.

The context of this application must be the same i.e. the research sample must be drawn from the same population. Some cultures are more tolerant to violence in marriages due to religious reasons – divorced wives may be looked down upon by the society at large. It is not right therefore to apply research findings from a more ‘open’ society to a more ‘closed’ society. There are many other factors which may make generalizations to fail.

What can you do about bullet-proofing your marriage? Check this out..

Related articles by Zemanta

• Divorce risk highest within the first two years of marriage
• Mel Gibson denies divorce and cheating rumors
• People who hide emotion are more likely to cheat
• Divorce American Style - A No Win Scenario
• Report: Alex Rodriguez, wife reach divorce deal
• Those who avoid emotional intimacy more likely to cheat: Study

ShareThis

How often do you agree on something with your spouse? If you were to tabulate or graph this over time would you say that you tend to agree more now than you did in the past or is it the other way around? If and when you disagree on something, how do you resolve the disagreement? Did you know that when your spouse disagrees with you it does not necessarily mean that he (she) does not like you?

The first thing to do in order to start improving your marriage relationship is to begin acknowledging what your spouse says - whether you agree with it or not. Be attentive and acknowledge what they say. Acknowledgement is not agreement. When your spouse says something you agree with, nod and say something like “yes, that’s true”. When your spouse says something you disagree with you can acknowledge and then say something like “That’s interesting (honey), I didn’t think you saw it that way. My perspective is however somehow different … Have you thought what would happen if blah blah etc.. “. That way you may even change your spouse’s point of view!. A famous book says “two can not walk together unless they are in agreement”. Marriage relationships are no different.

When your spouse says something you disagree with, you may seek clarification. He or she may think about it and restate their position in a slightly different way which may be more acceptable to you. They may even tell you “on second thoughts, I think this other way would be better…”. However if you instead cut them short and oppose their opinion, they are most likely going to defend that opinion whether it makes sense or not because you have attacked their ego. When people are hurt (when their ego is attacked), they can make ludicrous claims; they can say things that do not make sense at all and they may even resort to verbal abuse or physical abuse. Therefore discuss issues and not the other personality. Emphasize facts and not opinions. If you have to express an opinion, express it in a way that allows your spouse to express a different opinion if they have one. For example start by saying “in my opinion” or “I tend to think that”.

As I said earlier, in marriage, if you agree with your spouse then nod as your spouse is talking. Your expression is often more important than what you say. Psychologists tell us of three things that are involved in our communication viz. our words, the tone of our voice and our physical gestures (physical expressions). The last two convey the bulk of the communication. I have a habit of looking at the expressions on people’s faces during business meetings. It is easy for me to determine who gets along with whom by the way people look at others and their behavior. If someone thinks you do not make sense, they may express it unknowingly by distorting their faces or by dozing off or by shaking their heads, etc. If they really agree with you, they may light up and be very attentive. Sometimes you may come up with a brilliant idea and the whole group may ask you to restate what you just said verbatim for recording - that shows interest. Similarly if your spouse asks you to restate what you said, do not ask them whether they are deaf or why they were not attentive. Sometimes it may be because you said something beautiful or clever :-).

Amplify your agreements and minimize your disagreements and you will improve your marriage relationship. If your spouse believes you respect their opinion, they are more likely to respect yours and you will be more objective in your communication and your marriage relationship will improve considerably.

Click here to check out a book I highly recommend on improving your marriage relationship

All the Best,

Paul (Shalom)

ShareThis

The title of this article is actually misleading. Your answer may be the opposite of what you mean. A “yes’ may be a good answer. If I asked, “are you sick and tired of your marriage?” If you said “yes” I would sympathize with you because that’s not a good answer :-(. However for the question above if you said “yes” it means you want to do something about it :-). It now depends on whether what you want to do is positive or negative. If you want to seek assistance, then it’s a good thing :-). However, if you want to hit someone – it is NOT a good thing :-(. So if at all you are sick and tired of being sick and tired of your marriage relationship, here are some thoughts that may help your marriage relationship.

First look at the options before you:

1. Separation or divorce
2. Marrying someone else (usually depends on 1)
3. Ignoring what’s happening and live together in the same house ignoring each other and communicating through third parties e.g. children
4. Seeking a solution e.g. through counseling

The options above are heavily influenced by circumstances of your marriage relationship.

Is there someone else involved? “Grass often looks greener on the other side – till you get there”. I was told long ago that “common things happen commonly”. During a dry spell you may not notice that a river exists in some place as you look at the river bed. However, after heavy rains, the river will very often take the same course it took before. So what guarantees that if you start off with someone else it will work out well? You are still the same you and if you plan to change why don’t you change with your current spouse? I’m sorry :-(, I may not be in your shoes but I’m just trying to help – one day if it works out you may remember this :-).
Assuming that you are not the “problem” what guarantees that the new partner will behave better than the previous one? There are no perfect partners but you can help yours to be almost “perfect” for you through “give and take” – compromise here and there – and meeting halfway. However let it always be a win-win arrangement, never win-lose (lose-win), nor lose-lose. A marriage relationship is like a plant – it requires watering and nurturing to flourish.

Ignoring what’s happening around you would be a blunder. Things would only get worse in your marriage– so avoid this option.

Your choice will also depend on other ‘stake-holders’. Your children may not have featured anywhere on your marriage license but they would be affected by your decision. In this case how much do you care for your children’s feelings (if you have any)? A long the way they were probably telling both of you (or hinting) on what was wrong between the two of you-but you probably ignored and said “after all they are only kids”. Try to recollect and if there is a defective trait they mentioned in you, you may still be able to do something about your marriage relationship. Probably that is what your spouse had a problem with and you could “swallow” your pride and tell your spouse you will try to change. Ask them for patience. Very often “solutions often start with us”. All the best.

What was your contribution to the problems? All problems always have a root cause. Are you the root cause? Was there something you could have done to save the situation? Who wants out – is it you or your partner or both of you?

There was a couple who communicated through slips of paper. The husband would write something for the wife and vice versa. One morning, after leaving his separate bedroom, the husband left a check for the electricity bill with a note in the sitting room for the wife to pay and left on a short trip. The wife passed through the dining room (actually kitchen) and left a note that she was going to California for two weeks.
When they both returned, they found the house in total darkness. Their silence policy was broken. The husband asked the wife why she hadn’t paid the bill. The wife responded “ But I told you I was going away for two weeks - I left a note for you in the kitchen, and by the way I didn’t pass through the sitting room”.

Click here for an e-book that will give you more information on how to improve your marriage relationship. Take the cue. It is all up to you now.

ShareThis

Is there a time that one can say that their marriage is past saving? I do not think so. I believe there is always hope. However, the price is what may be so high for most people. In many cases, it is usually the things that people say that hurt the most (except for physical abuse). It is easier for a wife to forgive a husband for being drunk many times even after promising repeatedly “that was the last time”, than to forgive a husband for saying that “they don’t love the wife - that their marriage was a mistake” or “she’s useless”.

Such words are always remembered even if the husband said this just to hit back at the wife for something she did or didn’t do. It seems that women are more sensitive to words than men. They tend to remember a lot of what was said - even if it was said a long time ago. Men are affected more by how they are perceived e.g. if they are perceived as failures, they may get depressed and distance themselves. Sometimes they may look for someone who appreciates them “more” or resort to alcohol. They may not remember the actual words spoken but they remember the implication - women remember both the words and what was implied.

The only causes that rank higher in causing marriage havoc are physical abuse followed by infidelity. I would say the ranking is physical abuse, infidelity, psychological abuse and then all other causes like forgetting birthdays, not spending enough time with the spouse, or not being seen to be as caring as the neighbor’s spouse.

If there’s genuine repentance from a spouse, then it is possible for healing to take place. It may not be spontaneous or immediate but as the saying goes ‘time heals all wounds’. However it is important to change the environment that feeds that problem i.e. to deal with the root cause and not just the symptoms. If a husband is abusive after drinking, they should stop drinking. They could seek assistance from an Alcohol Anonymous society in their area for example.

In some cases a wife may meet an old flame from high school that just moved into the neighborhood. They may start meeting and gradually re-kindle feelings for each other. Such a wife should seek help from a counselor and if she is unable to stop meeting the fellow, she may have to convince her husband that they relocate to another place for some time as she sorts herself out or they may go on a holiday and have time together to strengthen their relationship. There’s an old saying “Nature abhors (hates) a vacuum“. This means if you don’t relate well with your spouse, it is very easy for you to start a relationship with someone else so “take heed” - be careful.

Therefore any marriage can be salvaged. It’s the price the partners are willing to pay that determines whether it is salvageable. My advice is that before you get your marriage to the ‘point of no return’, you should invest in learning how to maintain it so that you will not need to pay that heavy price of saving your marriage.

If you are already at that “point of no return”, think again and compare your options. You only have one life to live, how long have you been married? Do you have kids that will be affected? What legacy are you leaving your kids? Probably your parents also separated or divorced. Did you know that it is probably easier for a marriage to break up if one or both spouses’ parents divorced? The affected spouse may justify that it happened before or say “it runs in the family”. Save your marriage in as far as it depends on you.

For more information on healing your relationship or knowing how to stay on the right track you can get an e-book from a friend of mine with information that will surely help you or a close friend. Click here to read more about it and get your copy.

Shalom

ShareThis

I don’t know at what stage your marriage is at the moment. It may still be full of joy. May be divorce is not one of your current concerns. That’s fine and I’m glad for you. However, you need to know the pitfalls to avoid; pitfalls that may wreck your marriage in the future. So read on..

You may already have landed in several pitfalls. You may have gone for counseling to no avail. There is still hope at least if there is no violence yet. The reconciliation will start with one partner reaching out to the other. The fact that you are reading this article may mean that you are that partner. I wish you success in your efforts. It is not easy but you can do it if you are determined and if you are willing to give concessions i.e. not to insist on your way.

The first step to reconciliation is communication. If you can’t communicate then you can’t reconcile. You may start off by communicating through someone else, an intermediary. If you are using a go-between, then let the go-between (who should be a mature trusted person) listen to each of you separately first. Let each of you state their side of the story separately. The second step is for the go-between to restate these perspectives to the other party e.g. "your wife/husband said ….
do you agree?"

I have come to notice that each spouse will paint a very good picture of themselves to justify that they are the victims. Another thing is that the go-between may discover that the origin of the problem was a small misunderstanding which caused a reaction in one partner that caused another reaction in the other until it boiled over.

If the original misunderstanding was resolved the rest could have been avoided, therefore always COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY. Always ask for clarification when something doesn’t make sense, it may save your marriage. Never be biased. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt and ask what they mean.

Someone said we have two ears and one mouth so we should listen twice as much as we speak. Someone also said speak the truth with love. Even if you are right and your partner is wrong don’t rub it in i.e. find a gentle understanding way of communicating your perspective without demeaning
your partner.

If you are not yet at the deep end and you can communicate directly without going through a go-between, then make use of the time and make concessions as you give your marriage a second chance or may be a third or fourth chance. However, don’t allow yourself to be abused - find out why the abuse is there and if it can be ‘treated’ - is it psychological, physical? Seek professional help. If there is abuse, you can stay somewhere else for awhile until you have reconciled through a
go-between.

This article has emphasized a lot on communication. There are other measures you can take. I’ll cover these in other articles on this blog.

They say experience is the best teacher - but I add that it can be a painful teacher if it is your own experience. So, if you can, try to learn from the experience of others - then you get the best teacher without pain - that’s being smart. I hope it is not too late to learn..

A friend of mine has written a good e-book that I recommend which has more material on the subject. The book will also help those who are not yet married and are thinking of marriage.
Click here for more information

All the Best,

Paul (Shalom)

ShareThis